COUNCIL PRESIDENT…MEMBERS OF THE COUNCIL…
I COME BEFORE YOU THIS EVENING…NOT TO DISCUSS THE HOTEL TOWER…BUT INSTEAD… TO DISCUSS OUR CITY’S POOPER SCOOPER LAWS.
AS I AM SURE YOU ALL KNOW… HOBOKEN’S POOPER SCOOPER LAWS HAVE BEEN IN EFFECT SINCE 1983.
ENFORCING THESE LAWS, HOWEVER… REMAINS NOTHING MORE THAN AN ILLUSIVE DREAM…
IN THE MARCH 28TH ISSUE OF THE HOBOKEN REPORTER… PETER CUNNINGHAM, PRESIDENT OF THE HOBOKEN DOG ASSOCIATION… AND MAYOR ROBERTS… BOTH OUTLINED THEIR OPINIONS ON HOW TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE…THEY BOTH SUGGESTED…STRICTER AND MORE VIGILANT ENFORCEMENT AS A WAY TO ACCOMPLISH CLEANER SIDEWALKS, PARKS, AND DOG RUNS.
I FEEL… AND I STRONGLY EMPHASIZE…THAT I INTEND NO DISRESPECT… WHEN I SAY THAT THEIR SUGGESTIONS… IN MY OPINION… FALL SHORT OF EFFECTIVENESS…!
UNLESS THE CITY… AND PRIVATE CITIZENS ALIKE…ARE WILLING TO PATROLL OUR STREETS… BLOCK BY BLOCK…24/7… THESE MEANS WILL CONTINUE TO ALLOW VIALATORS TO ESCAPE UNDETECTED.
I AM A SIXTH GRADE STUDENT AT THE HUDSON SCHOOL… AND THIS YEAR, FOR THE ANNUAL SCIENCE FAIR… SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE ON APRIL 18TH…I DECIDED TO EXPLORE THE POSSIBILITY…OF EMPLOYING A “FAIL SAFE”, SCIENTIFIC APPLICATION, AS A METHOD OF RESOLVING… THIS PERSISTENTLY VIOLATED, QUALITY OF LIFE ISSUE…DNA PROFILING…!
I’D LIKE TO PROPOSE…THAT THE CITY CONSIDER AMMENDING…ITS CURRENT POOPER SCOOPER LAWS…TO INCLUDE MANDATORY DNA SMAPLES OF ALL REGISTERED DOGS. THE AMERICAN KENNEL ASSOCIATION IS CURRENTLY UTILIZING, DNA PROFILING, TO COMPLETE THEIR REGISTRATION REQUIREMENTS. WITH THE COST OF DNA TESTING…BECOMING INCREASING MORE AFFORDABLE… A ONE-TIME FEE… RANGING BETWEEN 50 AND 60 DOLLARS PER DOG…PAID BY THE OWNER AS PART OF THE REGISTRATION PROCESS…WOULD START THE BALL ROLLING.
COMPILING THESE DNA FINGERPRINTS, INTO A DATA-BANK, WILL GIVE HEALTH OFFICIALS…AND PRIVATE CITIZENS AS WELL… THE ABILITY TO COLLECT AND SUBMIT…FOR POSITIVE IDENTIFICATION…POOP LEFT BEHIND. A FINE… AS WELL AS THE COST OF THE DNA MATCH TEST…CAN THEN BE ISSUED TO THE STEALTHY DOG OWNER…THAT WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE EVIDENCE BEHIND…
I’M SURE THAT THIS APPROACH… MAY SEEM SOMEWHAT EXTREME… BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU… THAT MY RESEARCH…PROVES OTHERWISE.
SOMETIME IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE… HANDHELD DEVICES…SIMILAR TO THOSE USED BY DIABETICS TO MONITOR SUGAR LEVELS… WILL ALLOW HEALTH OFFICIALS… TO EASILY MEASURE DNA FROM UNCOLLECTED DOG FECES. A WIRELESS LINK, WILL THEN SEND THE DATA BACK TO A CENTRAL DATABASE… REVEALING THE IDENTITY OF THE IRRESPONSIBLE DOG OWNER.
IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING…ALLOW ME TO CONFIRM… THAT MY RESEARCH REVEALED… THIS METHOD OF ENFORCEMENT…IS BEING CONSIDERED IN AUSTRALIA… THE UK…AND SEVERAL OTHER CITIES ACROSS THE US.
AS FAR FETCHED AS IT MAY SEEM…A PUBLIC OPINION POLL I CONDUCTED…IN CONJUCTION WITH MY EXPERIMENT… UNVAILED THAT 82 PERCENT OF THE 100 RESIDENTS I POLLED BELIEVE THIS SOLUTION EFFECTIVE … 76 PERCENT DID NOT VIEW THIS APPROCH AS A VIOLATION OF THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS…OR THEIR RIGHTS TO PRIVACY. MY POLL ENCOMPASSED BOTH DOG OWNERS, AND NON DOG OWNERS ALIKE.
I REALIZE… THAT THE SUCCES OF MY PROPOSAL… DEPENDS ON THE PERCENTAGE RATIO OF REGISTERED DOGS. IN ORDER TO STIMULATE REGISTRATION COMPLIANCE… THE CITY SHOULD PERHAPS… LOOK INTO CONDUCTING… AN ANNUAL DOGGIE- REGISTRATION DAY.
THIS EVENT… COULD BE SPONSORED BY ONE OR MORE OF THE MAJOR DOG FOOD COMPANIES… HELD IN THE SRPING…AND PROMOTED AS A FUNFILLED DAY FOR POOCHES AND OWNERS ALIKE.
FINALLY, LET ME REMIND YOU… THAT DOG FECES… HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE A LEADING POLLUTANT OF GROUND WATER… AND HAS BEEN MEDICALLY LINKED… TO CAUSING SERIOUS ILLNESSES IN HUMANS…PRIMARILY CHILDREN. HEADACHES…BROCHITIS…AND EVEN BLINDNESS…ARE JUST SOME OF THE HAZARDS ASSOCIATED WITH CANINE WASTE.
WHILE ADULTS LIKE YOURSELVES… ARE APPALLED AND DISGUSTED… BY THE SIGHT OF THE UNCOLLECTED DOG POOP THAT ADORNS OUR PARKS AND SIDEWALKS…IT IS CHILDREN… LIKE MYSELF…AND YOUNGER… THAT RUN THE GREATER RISK OF CONTACT AND EXPOSURE.
WE’RE THE ONES THAT RIDE OUR BIKES… THROW OUR BALLS… AND ROLL OUR BLADES ON OUR CITY’S SIDEWALKS… AND WE’RE THE ONES WHO HAVE OUR PICNICS…STAGE OUR ADVENTURES…AND CARRY OUT OUR DRAGON-SLAYING FANTASIES…ON OUR PARKS’ GRASSY LAWNS.
FOR OUR SAKE…I HUMBLY AND RESPECTFULLY URGE… THAT YOU SERIOUSLY CONSIDER MY PROPOSAL…TO AMMEND THE CITY ORDINANCE.
IRRESPONSIBLE DOG OWNERS… ARE PUTTING OUR HEALTH AT RISK… THEY DO SO… BLATANTLY… TAKING COMFORT IN THE KNOWLEDGE…THAT THEY CAN’T AND WON’T GET CAUGHT!
IT’S TIME TO SHOW THEM…THAT SHERLOCK HOLMES…HAS A NEW PARTNER…DNA…!
DRASTIC TIMES…CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES…PLEASE… I URGE YOU…DON’T DISMISS MY APPEARANCE BEFORE YOU THIS EVENING…AS CHILDSPLAY.
THANKYOU…